Somehow God Knew I Needed My Dad

Dad came over yesterday unexpectedly... spent the night... and spent the whole day with me here at the house.

We hit up a garage sale in Mukilteo that was actually pretty good. They had a jewel-toned amethyst colored lazy boy with a matching ottoman that was just beautiful. They only wanted 20 bucks... alas, it wasn't going to fit into the stratus.... dang it.

Drake melted in the car when we left... screaming at the top of his lungs. I kept my cool.... just trying to keep the old bp down.

I was really looking for some cute patio furniture. I feel inspired by Merissa's and I want some of my own. Perhaps I should hit up the antique stores in SnoHo... I feel a shopping trip coming on.

This burst of optimism is stemming from the very large bowl of chicken pho that I just consumed. I think it the first real food that I have consumed in a couple of days. I've been protein shaking, and nibbling, but I am seriously full.

I think that I will just have to make this a habit. Chicken Pho for the soul.

and now onward to a nap.

Can't send all my crazy drama into cyberspace...
but what I can say is that yesterday goes down in history as one of my worst days ever... and if you know me, you know that says something. I am a bit of a collector of worst days.

if you read Ri's blog you know, that I am the elusive "person"
to steal the theme from Gray's Anatomy (a show I no longer watch because I have my own drama :D), she is my person and I am hers.

What would I do without my family? I am so glad that I never have to know.
We are sinful and broken, imperfect and bitchy, but we stand up for one another.

We are the church. This is what God talks about in the bible. People who are loved by God and called by God to love others. We don't have a fancy lobby or gourmet coffee... we have a perfect love (supplied by our Creator) that binds us.

Throughout the Hiroshima that is my life these days, is the birth of something beautiful, God's hope for me... his perfect love.... and his perfect peace.


Merissa - - I too, am a rescue in process.

I went back to delete yesterday's post... too honest... too raw...
and I saw the comments and decided to leave it. I am not apologizing for how I feel.
Those are the things I own... these thoughts in my head. They are mine, and I am not afraid of them today.

"Bring joy to your servant,
for to you, O Lord,
I lift up my soul" - Psalm 86:4

"but God has surely listened and heard my voice in prayer.
Praise be to God who has not rejected my prayer or held his love from me." - Psalm 66:19-20

"Praise be to the Lord, Our God and Savior,
Who daily bears our burdens." - Psalm 68:19

and my very favorite for today:

"For you have been my hope." - Psalm 71:5

I was praying today while making coffee... asking for a dose of what I often pray over others,
"Lord, please, give me a dose of the peace that surpasses understanding. Holy Spirit, please pray on my behalf because I don't even know what I need right now."

and you know what, I feel better... boggles my mind. Life is still broken, but I am breathing and my son is healthy and beautiful (and currently dancing to the Mickey Mouse Club House theme song) There is hot coffee with creamer in my cup and a dog snoring into my leg. God gave me what I needed in the moment I needed it. I am not alone...

"My flesh and heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." -Psalm 73:26

not sure what to say today

There is so much and yet so little that I am willing to put out into cyberspace... let alone speak aloud.

Life as we know it is changing and I am scared...

Rereading Psalms today and I opened up to Psalm 27, the page in my bible is worn:

"The Lord is my light and my salvation
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life -
of whom shall I be afraid." - Psalm 27:1

"For in the day of trouble
He will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle
and set me high upon a rock." - Psalm 27:5


I feel strange... kind of disconnected and I don't like that feeling.
I am looking forward to couples counseling with Richard. We need a third voice to crack through the noise.

Thankful Thursday

I am thankful for:

Richard - - what words could express my feelings and thoughts in his direction... none...
Drake - - He keeps me going when all I want to do is what ANTM, PR, drink diet coke and sleep.
He reminds me that there is more to life that swollen limbs, fatigue and pain.
My family - - although we are hopelessly flawed, we stick together. 'nuff said
My Apartment - - to live in a place that I can rest instead of feeling like it is going down like the Titanic and sucking me down with it.
My dog - - he pees on the floor still, but I love him anyway

This cup of coffee in my hand - - although not as deep as the others, it is delicious and caffeinated
My Pandora station - - I freakin' love music at my fingertips


I could go on and on... but I won't

I live to live another day.

-J

my hands smell like acetone

I wish I had something deeper to say, but I don't.

I decided to ditch my acrylic nails... too much time, too much cashola... what is a girl to do?
cut the bitches off and soak my hands in acetone... that is what I did.

Now my hands hurt and my nails are bumpy and mishapen, but I am back to me.
I should celebrate by painting, or tie dying something, or a diet coke and a nap... my answer for everything.

The boys did really great today. There were moments of mayhem (i.e. my son ran full boar into the screen door and was surprised when he knocked it down and ended up on his keister on the patio) but overall, they just loved being together. Drake and Jeffrey cried when he left. D thought he was going to be able to go home with him.

I assured him that he had another play-date on Friday... this time at Jeffrey's house so that he could play with his toys. That seemed to calm him down a bit. He misses him when he is not around. I feel guilty about not watching Jeffrey regularly... not guilty enough to do it again. Where does that leave me? apparently more play dates.

Kat and I went to the Y for some hot tubbing and had some very interesting convos regarding plus sized swimsuits and old guys wearing banana hammocks. It was just what the doctor ordered. I love Kathleen. We have such a comfortable relationship.

Its late and I need to hit the sack... praying that my brain will shut off long enough for the Gabapentin to kick in. Yay for nerve-deadening drugs that allow me to sustain sleep :D

on tv overload

I have watched WAY too much television the last few days.
I've been under the weather and it helps pass the time.
I can't watch any more commercials.... even D is starting to sing along. That is when you know when to cut it off.

on another note - - Drake has a friend over today. It feels good to watch him play so hard with someone else. It certainly is a different dynamic then when he plays with other little boys his age. They have history, and there is a comfortableness there. There is no need to have a DTR... because they are already there. I will try and take some pictures and post later.


They do fight like siblings.... which makes me crazy, but at least he has fun in the interim right?

just because I can't help myself :D

I should be sleeping.. but I can't turn my brain off

I had such a good time with Drake and the girls today. We played really hard, and snuggled and watched a movie.

What more can a girl ask for?


I went grocery shopping at the G.O. on Friday and scored some seriously amazing deals... Apple - Grape juice for a buck anyone?? I got what we needed for 35 bucks. Now if we can just put some of that money into savings we will be doing just fine.

Zana texted on Friday to say that it felt wrong to not be at our house for Growth Group. That makes me feel like maybe we did something right. I really enjoy her. I am looking forward to spending time with her outside of church.... lookey, Jerusha found a friend :D

Okay, I am giving up on today and going to sleep.

Lord, I pray that my sister takes my advice and takes care of herself. amen.

It's noon and Drake and I just got dressed. It's been that kind of morning...
He slept with us last night. This means that I didn't sleep very much at all. I often verbalize that it would be easier if we had a king sized bed, but in all honesty, I still wouldn't sleep. He is all over the place.

We played trains today for over an hour. It was pretty much awesome. Later he was crying about something, I don't even really know what, so I made him a drum out of a coffee can. We proceeded to have a cooperative concert in the living room. I am sure the upstairs neighbors adored our renditions of "row row row your boat, Old Mcdonald (did you know he has dinosaurs and elephants on his farm? well in our version he does), and the itsy bitsy spider.

I am not perfect, but today I feel like I did a few things right.

simple things

Tonight I had dinner with an old friend....
I haven't seen him in almost a year, and it felt as if no time had passed.
It was easy, comfortable, like my favorite jeans.

Like jumping into the middle of a conversation without needing all the details.
I may not see him again for another year, but it is alright.

I am grateful for what we have.... a dinner among friends.

No Work For The Wanting

No work for Richard today... and none tomorrow... but looks like he will have work on Thursday and Friday.

We forgot to open a claim for last week. Oh well, we do what we can.


I need coffee, I am feeling cranky.

today is infinitely better than yesterday... I felt like I had died and my soul forgot to notify my body.

But today is good. I am grateful... I am standing up and sitting down with pain... but it is a fly in the air, buzzing around my brain, not a lion's roar that deafens me. I had D on my shoulders in the grocery store today with only moderate discomfort. I feel guilty on the bad days when I can't carry him about. It makes me feel like a bad mom when I have to tell him no... "Mommy loves you, but I can't hold you right now." Now every time he doesn't want to do something I ask, he tells me that he can't. How proud can I be that I was the one who taught him the word? But today I held him high. He squealed with bouts of uncontrollable laughter when I danced to the muzak playing overhead. He started to sing his favorite songs that didn't go along with the tune, but he didn't care... so we danced along with his songs. At least I can hold onto that. I am teaching him that sometimes you have to sing your own song even if it doesn't fit what is going on around you. He clapped his hands and danced with me amongst the bags of discount coffee beans, goat cheese and soy yogurt.

If nothing else, I can show him that you can use pain to clarify instead of letting it destroy you. It burns away the excess, leaving only what is important... and that whenever you can... dance. Life is too precious to waste the good days.

Drake is sleeping and my house is quiet.
Eli is camped out next to me, snoring into my favorite pair of jeans.
Richard is working today.
I have food in my fridge and gas in my car,
I am able to type :D

Today is good.

I am intensely grateful for today.

took some pics of Kirena a while back and found them when I pulled my camera out


Its 8:17am on a Saturday morning and I am awake, blogging, and drinking Diet Coke. Well actually, it is a 16 oz Diet Shasta Cola, but that apparently is how I roll.

D and I were supposed to ride down and see Riah today but Richard decided last minute that he wanted us to ride separately and let D sleep. I see the wisdom in that, but it means spending twice the gas, which was why we were riding together in the first place. As much as I want to see Riah, which is a lot, there is a part of me that just wants to stay home and relax.


Last night was our last Firefly Growth Group Meeting. Zana and David were not able to come... so it left, Galand, Bev, Richard and myself. We watched the movie and had a good time. I was sad to see them go. I truly feel like I am going to see these people again... just not in a growth group setting. They are friends now.

I suppose I should get moving and lay out crap to take... but for now, I am going to mindlessly surf the interwebs and drink my tasty beverage.

I am so grateful

I am so grateful for my Dad.
He played with Drake this morning so I could get my nails done and go grocery shopping.... get this.... grocery shopping without a two year old... it was bliss *I am swooning just thinking about it*

I trimmed his beard so that he doesn't look like a crazy mountain man. He seemed glad that I didn't trim it too much and it was still very full.... full but not crazy, that is what we were shooting for :D

On another note, Drakers totally used the bathroom on his own volition. It was awesome... and to commemorate, I took this picture :D

french fries, play toys, and epic meltdowns (and it wasn't the ice cream)

We went Old McD's for lunch with Kathleen. Drake did great until it was time to go and he threw an epic fit... so bad that I that I carried him out of the restaurant kicking and screaming and had to put him in the car and let him scream. I locked him in and sat on my trunk. 10 minutes later he was still going strong. I tried to hold him and get him to calm down.... and that eventually worked, but it took forever. I kept praying to keep calm... praying that God would supernaturally assist his own calming down. I must say, that I kept a level head... cool and collected. For that I am grateful...

I was afraid that D was going to pop a blood vessel in his eyes. It was that bad.

I am not equipped for days like these.

its a quiet day and it is raining outside

Today my body is not cooperating... I am frustrated and tired and sick... what is a girl supposed to do?